Dreamworld

I know, I've been neglecting my blog a bit. Of course I've been awfully busy and I'll reveal more about my current projects some other time. But actually, I've already been thinking about this particular post and especially about how I would write all this. Because to many people who're still in the daily grinder, spending hours in rush-hour traffic, working all day long and then still having to do all of the household, my life here must seem like a dreamworld. And in many respects this is quite true and you'll never hear me complain. I know that I'm lucky, although I don't feel any shame towards the rest of society because I've been working very hard as well for twenty years, until my autism made me completely collapse. So I firmly believe that I've paid my debt to society and that now I've earned a bit of rest. But saying that I'm now living a dream is also far from the truth. In fact, there are days when I rather wish I was dead. It sounds grim but it's exactly how I feel at times and no beautiful mountains or abundant sunshine can change that. The environment has changed and I find a lot more rest now. But within I haven't changed at all. I'm still the same Peter, seriously autistic and sick and tired of having to compensate this terrible thing. Well, I don't find it so terrible but other people would if I became the person I actually want to be. And there's the nag because rarely do I get any appreciation for the effort that I'm doing. People take it as read and on the contrary get very angry at me when at times I can't do as much effort as I should and my mask falls off.

Last week, Christine and I were sitting at the breakfast table while all of a sudden I asked her something which she actually had already just said. Tears started rolling off my cheeks because at moments like that I have to face the fact that I have a certain "condition". I'm very intelligent, gifted even, but I can't remember something simple that was just said to me. It's something very difficult to accept and it frustrates me beyond words. But then, Christine said something that made me furious: "Now do you understand why I always ask you things two or three times?". Which she indeed does and for which I always become very snappy and even angry. It's like reminding a disabled person all the time that he's sitting in a wheelchair. So what's the most important? That I sometimes forget something or that I keep my dignity as a person? Well, you have to anwer this for yourself because obviously I choose "dignity", being the person concerned in this case. 

All in all, it's one of these small examples where people say that they accept my handicap, but in reality still expect me to be "normal" because I can pretend to be "normal" so well. Sometimes I indeed wish that I were physically disabled rather than mentally because the latter is so difficult to understand for other people. Phrases like "But I often also feel like that" or "Don't be so faint-hearted"... I've heard them a thousand times. And also after this blog post people will not understand; I'm realistic enough about it. But I can only keep trying... :-)