Apologetic of an Autistic Person

Yes, I'm seriously autistic. Even though I manage to hide my true inner-self so well if I want to. Although this apparent self-control is very frail and much too often it is blown to bits by these emotional storms that whirl around my conscience, waiting for the moment to strike. Now this is a gross misunderstanding about autism. Many people believe that autistic people are numb and emotionless. And yet, it is quite the opposite. The only problem we have is that we don't understand these emotions as such. We can't explain them or talk about them and there are just so many of them that the only thing we desire is escape. This is why we appear numb. We put ourselves in a kind of "off-line" mode which not only blocks the constant bombardment of unfiltered stimuli, but also shields us from heavy emotional outbursts. Coming "on-line" is like taking a serious risk because you're never sure that you'll be able to handle the situation you're about to face. And when it fails, it's usually too late and we end up in a crisis. 

But what's even worse, many people completely misunderstand our "off-line" behaviour, and this is quite normal. We humans are very sociable animals and we've created a lot of unspoken rules about communication and acceptable social behaviour. "Playing numb" is regarded as a very unsocial thing to do. It's like not showing any respect to the people who're talking to you and understandably this can make them very upset. Or it can easily lead to verbal abuse and even bullying among children and youngsters. The result is that the autistic person will withdraw even more in his shell and the situation gets out of hand. And then... suddenly... BANG! There is one thing worse for an autistic person than not being able to handle a certain situation, and that is being forced out of the protective shell. "Come on, be normal...", "Talk to me, now!"..., "Wake up!"... occasionally accompanied by verbal abuse or the odd shake, prod or much worse. This invariably leads to an outburst of rage, many people would rather assimilate with a wild beast. All these nameless, cropped up emotions explode like a volcano and the result is all but pretty. I'm no exception in this regard. How nicely I can play "normal" at times, my mind isn't near powerful enough to stop my autistic self from pulling the plug, as one of Christine's best friends witnessed only a few weeks ago. I was totally beyond myself and shouted, cried and behaved extremely aggressively (without really becoming violent because like most autistic people I couldn't possibly hurt another person). The reason was very simple: an accumulation of too many stimuli and not having enough opportunity to let off steam. Oh, how much would I like to apologise for what happened. I hate that part of me so very much! Then again, it's not my fault because I haven't chosen to be like this, just like a handicapped person didn't choose to be in a wheelchair. We can only try to make the best of things, even though we have to swim seriously upstream whereas "neurotypical" people can just follow the current. Perhaps the sudden outburst also had a positive effect, i.e. that people understand better what an ordeal it is to be autistic and how much effort we must do to blend in in normal society. 

I could say the same thing about some of my posts. Loyal followers have certainly already noticed that some of my scribbles can be quite hard or yes even arrogant. But then again they're also good examples about how we reason and how impossible it is for us to accept things that we consider as "unfair". Not that these things are per definition "unfair", but we see them that way and nothing in the whole world can make us change our views. It's like converting an astronomer into an astrologist, to take a spicy example. :-) No, to us this thing or situation is "unfair" and has to change NOW. So we fight like Don Quichotes against the windmills and just as many times hit the wall with our face. Again my apologies. I realise that this particular behaviour of mine can easily put someone off and that this is the main reason why many people dislike me. Even though deep down I've got a tiny little heart begging for a bit of love and attention... It's the arrogant outer shell, constructed as a protection against the dangerous outside world and fed by our incapacity to see things in a different perspective that drives me to do, say or write certain things. 

I hope that all of you forgive me for that and that you'd take the effort to look through this façade, how hard and convincing it may be at times.

Famous autistic people?

Following my previous post, I'd like to elaborate a bit on famous historical people who were supposedly autistic. Many illustrous names come up when you google famous historical people in combination with autism: Leonardo Da Vinci, Johann Sebastian Bach, Ludwig Van Beethoven, Thomas Edison and many more. Well... again, I have to say... (pardon me for the third time)... WHAT A LOAD OF RUBBISH!!! Upon what evidence does one state that for example Da Vinci was autistic??? Because he was a genius??? Come on, give me a break! It is true that there are quite a few autistic people who are geniuses, but so are many "neurotypical" people. There is absolutely no link between autism and a high IQ whatsoever! So then, what evidence is there? Where is the psychological analysis (ZAT, MMP1-2,...)? Where's Rey's complex figure? The neuropsychological examination (Bourdon-Wiersma,...)? And so on...

Let's take the example which is closest to my heart: Johann Sebastian Bach, without any doubt the greatest musical mind in history ("next to him all others look like children" - Robert Schumann). When I took the tests, they told me that it was essential to do an in-depth psychological analysis of the first two life years in order to be able to make an autism diagnosis with a certian accuracy. As far as Bach is concerned, we know absolutely NOTHING of the first TEN years of his life. And the only thing we know from the period immediately after, is that he became an orphan and had to go and live with his oldest brother. For the rest, it's a total blank! So who is the smartass who claims that Bach was autistic??? Indeed, Bach repeatedly got into trouble with his superiors. So, is a "difficult" person by definition autistic now? By the way, who says that Bach was a difficult person anyway? What do we actually know for certain about his character? Very little as it turns out, and this very little could just as well mean that he was exactly the opposite of being autistic. His second oldest son, Carl-Philipp Emanuel, writes that he was a "loving father and that his door was always open to give visitors a warm welcome". He also gave us a couple of examples that indicate he was actually a very good-humoured person. We also know that no musician would pass through Leipzig without having paid Bach a visit. He was also the heart and soul of the musical afternoons in Zimmermann's coffee tavern. So it rather seems to me that he was indeed quite a sociable person, fun to be with and kind. Could it be that the many conflicts with the authorities arose because he was simply too good at what he did? Could it be that his magnificent music wasn't appreciated by the strong pietist movement in Germany, which claimed that music should only "support the prayers of the faithful" and hence be kept simple and dull? 

Likewise, I'd like to challenge all of the other claims for so-called autistic historical people because they're based on nothing at all. But apparently, this is the best example of the "hype" that autism has become. Hopefully it's also the best proof for the absurdity of many stories about autism. 

Fakers

Something that amazes me lately is how "popular" autism has become. It's even become some kind of "hype". Everywhere you read and hear about autism and everyone knows at least someone who's definitely autistic. The figures are dazzling! From one in a thousand, I now hear stats like every one in a hundred or even one in fifty people that are supposedly autistic.

If you ask me, these figures are... and pardon me the word... a lot of bollocks. What I do know for sure, and I'm talking personal experience here, is that the vast majority of therapists, psychologists and other psychiatrists don't know at all what "autism" means. Whenever you say that you're autistic, most of them start groaning, wobbling with their chairs or even sweating. One psychiatrist (who's spent 13 years at university!) confessed to me openly that he didn't know anything about the subject! So who says that every one in fifty is autistic? These incompetent people?

But what aggravates me even more is that there are now so-called "doctors" claiming the wildest causes for autism. Most of them would have something to do with child vaccines. Pardon me again, but what a load of shite! Then what about the one thing we DO know for sure as far as autism is concerned and that's the parental link. Autism sits dormant in someones genes and is passed on from one generation to the next. I know for example that my autistic link can be traced further back in the family. So where do these vaccines enter then? Or what about another fact? Autism surfaces a lot more among boys than girls. HELLOOOO, DOCTOR VACCINES!!! I only have one name for people who're spreading such rubbish and that is parasites! They prey on a defenseless part of society in order to get their face in the papers or on TV. It's a big disgrace! 

Would it stop there? No, of course not. Things get even worse! I've got the impression that autism's become some sort of "fashionable"! Whenever kids are difficult, they're being labeled as "autistic" and then it's all ok. Even more so, then it becomes "cool"! I even know of certain people claiming that their children are autistic so they can get higher child benefit! There is a certain lady who told her son so many times that he's autistic, that the boy eventually started to believe it and even behave more or less likewise. In the beginning I believed the whole story too. Until I saw that the boy's mask fell off and that it was clearly just an act. Or do you know one autistic person who'd ENJOY changing school nine times in two years time and looking forward to going to the next school??? Now, the only thing he still cares about are his computer war games and if he prefers to stay at home and play his games, mummy writes a fake doctor's note so he doesn't have to go to school. I've even seen him on-line playing at 1h45 at night on a weekday! No, people like that - and I mean the boy's mother because she's created this situation - are maggots. They're not only ruining the lives of their children but are also giving real autistic people a bad reputation.  

Autism is a very serious condition. I'm absolutely thrilled that nowadays it's been given the attention it deserves. But I'm worried that it's getting a lot of "bad" attention as well and we have to be careful. Autism needs proper diagnosis and for that therapists need proper training. Training which to date is still severely lacking. And once our limited knowledge about autism is spread further, these undesired side-effects like fake doctors and fake autistic people will be rooted out alltogether. Hopefully.