Yes, I'm seriously autistic. Even though I manage to hide my true inner-self so well if I want to. Although this apparent self-control is very frail and much too often it is blown to bits by these emotional storms that whirl around my conscience, waiting for the moment to strike. Now this is a gross misunderstanding about autism. Many people believe that autistic people are numb and emotionless. And yet, it is quite the opposite. The only problem we have is that we don't understand these emotions as such. We can't explain them or talk about them and there are just so many of them that the only thing we desire is escape. This is why we appear numb. We put ourselves in a kind of "off-line" mode which not only blocks the constant bombardment of unfiltered stimuli, but also shields us from heavy emotional outbursts. Coming "on-line" is like taking a serious risk because you're never sure that you'll be able to handle the situation you're about to face. And when it fails, it's usually too late and we end up in a crisis.
But what's even worse, many people completely misunderstand our "off-line" behaviour, and this is quite normal. We humans are very sociable animals and we've created a lot of unspoken rules about communication and acceptable social behaviour. "Playing numb" is regarded as a very unsocial thing to do. It's like not showing any respect to the people who're talking to you and understandably this can make them very upset. Or it can easily lead to verbal abuse and even bullying among children and youngsters. The result is that the autistic person will withdraw even more in his shell and the situation gets out of hand. And then... suddenly... BANG! There is one thing worse for an autistic person than not being able to handle a certain situation, and that is being forced out of the protective shell. "Come on, be normal...", "Talk to me, now!"..., "Wake up!"... occasionally accompanied by verbal abuse or the odd shake, prod or much worse. This invariably leads to an outburst of rage, many people would rather assimilate with a wild beast. All these nameless, cropped up emotions explode like a volcano and the result is all but pretty. I'm no exception in this regard. How nicely I can play "normal" at times, my mind isn't near powerful enough to stop my autistic self from pulling the plug, as one of Christine's best friends witnessed only a few weeks ago. I was totally beyond myself and shouted, cried and behaved extremely aggressively (without really becoming violent because like most autistic people I couldn't possibly hurt another person). The reason was very simple: an accumulation of too many stimuli and not having enough opportunity to let off steam. Oh, how much would I like to apologise for what happened. I hate that part of me so very much! Then again, it's not my fault because I haven't chosen to be like this, just like a handicapped person didn't choose to be in a wheelchair. We can only try to make the best of things, even though we have to swim seriously upstream whereas "neurotypical" people can just follow the current. Perhaps the sudden outburst also had a positive effect, i.e. that people understand better what an ordeal it is to be autistic and how much effort we must do to blend in in normal society.
I could say the same thing about some of my posts. Loyal followers have certainly already noticed that some of my scribbles can be quite hard or yes even arrogant. But then again they're also good examples about how we reason and how impossible it is for us to accept things that we consider as "unfair". Not that these things are per definition "unfair", but we see them that way and nothing in the whole world can make us change our views. It's like converting an astronomer into an astrologist, to take a spicy example. :-) No, to us this thing or situation is "unfair" and has to change NOW. So we fight like Don Quichotes against the windmills and just as many times hit the wall with our face. Again my apologies. I realise that this particular behaviour of mine can easily put someone off and that this is the main reason why many people dislike me. Even though deep down I've got a tiny little heart begging for a bit of love and attention... It's the arrogant outer shell, constructed as a protection against the dangerous outside world and fed by our incapacity to see things in a different perspective that drives me to do, say or write certain things.
I hope that all of you forgive me for that and that you'd take the effort to look through this façade, how hard and convincing it may be at times.
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