Once upon a time, Little Red Riding Hood walked to the vast Forest of No Return. She wanted to buy some real estate there because she had enough of the big, wide world. She leapt and jumped along the path through the forest, looking for the palace of her dreams. Then, she heard a rustling sound in the bushes. Carefully she stepped a little closer to see what was hiding there. All of a sudden the Big Bad Wolf jumped at her from behind a tree.
- “Hahaaa”, the Big Bad Wolf roared, “What’s up, Little Red Riding Hood?”
Little Red Riding Hood wasn’t impressed at all by this sudden appearance. In fact, she thought the Big Bad Wolf looked pretty cool with one part of his shirt dangling out of his shorts.
- “I’m looking for a new home because I’ve had enough of the big, wide world ”, Little Red Riding Hood replied, “can you please help me out?
- “Sure I can, sure I can…”, the Big Bad Wolf said, “I know just the place for you!”
So he took her to a very very remote spot, well hidden on a crest within the forest. The place was absolutely fabulous and Little Red Riding Hood immediately fell in love with it. Yes, here she could be truly happy. There was just one little problem, though: she was looking at a ruin, not the palace she’d been dreaming of.
- “What do you think of that, ‘ey? Isn’t it a dream?”, the Big Bad Wolf said.
- “I don’t know... Just look at it… It’s completely derelict! It’ll need a lot of work before I can finally come and live here.”
- “Don’t you trust me then? Truly, I swear to you… I know just the right man to do it and it’ll cost you close to nothing.”
- “Allright then, it’s a deal. Take me to this man of yours.”
So the Big Bad Wolf took Little Red Riding Hood to the Nasty Little Man. He and his seven dwarfs would turn Little Red Riding Hood’s newly acquired ruin into a palace. And so the works started. In the beginning all went well. But then Little Red Riding Hood discovered a couple of flaws in the contract with the Big Bad Wolf.
- “Where’s the sewer?”, she suddenly asked.
- “A sewer? Well… there isn’t any of course!”, the Big Bad Wolf replied.
- “Then how am I supposed to go to the ladies’?”
- “Err… You could always go behind a tree?”, he uttered.
- “And what about insulation? I don’t want to be cold during the long and harsh winters.”
- “Insulation??? Are you joking? You don’t need any insulation over here!”, the Big Bad Wolf laughed at her.
Little Red Riding Hood found this a bit suspicious so she called Mr. Owl, just to be on the safe side. And Mr. Owl told Little Red Riding Hood that she did need the insulation. And that she did need an extra support in concrete in case the Big Bad Wolf’s brother (the Wolf of the Three Piglets) would come to blow her house down. And that she did need protection against the snowy mountain behind the house so it wouldn’t fall down on her. And he also informed her that the Big Bad Wolf had never asked him the official permission to start working. After all, Mr. Owl was in charge around these premises.
Little Red Riding Hood became angry. Very angry!
- “You’re fired!”, she shouted at the Big Bad Wolf.
The little eyes of the Big Bad Wolf narrowed. He started grinding his long teeth. His stinking breath blew mercilessly in Little Red Riding Hood’s face.
- “Oh really?”, he growled, “I warn you, girlie… don’t you mess with me! We had a contract, remember? And if you don’t obey me I’ll have you for supper!”
But then something happened which the Big Bad Wolf hadn’t anticipated. Little Red Riding Hood suddenly became taller… and taller… Her whole appearance changed. Her face became purple. Her eyes turned from bright blue into flaming red; casting little bolts of lightning at him. Before the Big Bad Wolf realised what was going on, Little Red Riding Hood had changed into the Evil Witch. She pointed her bony finger at him and hissed:
- “You were going to warn me about… what exactly?”
- “Rrrrribbit!... Rrrrribbit!...”, was all the Big Bad Wolf could utter when he discovered to his astonishment that the Evil Witch had turned him into a fat frog. “Rrrribbit!...”
The Evil Witch now looked at the Nasty Little Man, who was about to hand over his final bill to Little Red Riding Hood. Timing had never been one of his strong points. The piece of paper fluttered in his greasy hand as all of his body started shaking of fear. He was into great difficulties. Not only because he didn’t fancy being turned into a frog as well, but also because he still had to pay a twenty-percent under-the-table commission to the Big Bad Wolf. Or rather make that, to the fat frog. As harmless a creature the Big Bad Wolf may have become, he could still sing to Mr. Owl about some illegal practices the Nasty Little Man had carried out.
- “Rrrribbit!...”
Sweat dripped in big pearls from the forehead of the Nasty Little Man. His piggy eyes stood open wide. How could he possibly escape unharmed from this terrible position he found himself in?
- “Let me see that bill”, the Evil Witch said with a tone that was halfway between frozen nitrogen and sugar floss. For heaven’s sake, she even smiled at him! A smile like a kiss of death. Trembling he handed over the piece of paper to the Evil Witch.
- “Err… you’ll see… it’s all there…”, he stuttered.
- “I can see that”, the Evil Witch said, “you'd have me pay twice the price for a layer of concrete.”
- “Honestely… err… Ma’am, that’s the price the vendor’s charging me.”
- “Is it really? Then the vendor mustn’t like your ugly face very much because he said that for me the price would only be half of what you wrote here!”
- “Oh, but in that case, we could fix that, couldn’t we?” The Nasty Little Man was fighting for his life. He quickly scrapped the original figure and changed it into a more decent one.
- “And what do we have here?”, the Evil With continued, “Three goldpieces for installing a scaffolding? You cheeky bastard! It was I who put that scaffolding there!”
- “Yes indeed you did Ma’am, but… err… I still have to charge you for it, don’t I?”
- “Charge me for it???”
- “After all, it is my scaffolding and I had to pay for it, didn’t I?” The Nasty Little Man had never been any good at improvising, but what else could he do?
- “So you’re charging me three goldpieces for having installed your scaffolding? For that price I could've bloody bought myself a brand new one!”
- “It’s only a minor detail, now if…”
- “No! I’m not paying that! Next item…”
- “Allright.”
- “Pouring concrete on my terrace… two goldpieces…”
- “Yes? Is there anything wrong with that, Ma’am?”
- “Yes there is.”
- “Oh? And what may that be, Ma’am?”
- “You didn’t pour any concrete on my terrace. I had someone else do it.”
- “I see… Yes!!! Now I remember! What are two goldpieces anyway? Let’s just scrap that, shall we?… There you go…”
- “And now the final bit!”
- “Yes?”
- “The discount for all the work I did.”
- “Discount, Ma’am? For… your work???”
- “Yes. Three months working for you and I’ll only count eight hours per day (in stead of the ten or twelve I did) and I’ll also forget about all of those Sundays, allright? And to do you an even bigger favour, after all I’m a poor little lady and I’m not as strong as your seven dwarfs, I’ll only count half of the price you pay your dwarfs per hour of labour. So we arrive at… The round sum of…”
- “Yes???”
- “Four goldpieces!!!”, the Evil Witch exclaimed.
- “What??? Fff… Fff… Fffour ggg… gggoldpieces???”
- “Didn’t I just do you a big favour here?”, the Evil Witch said with the most soothing voice imaginable.
- “Four goldpieces??? For you watching me do all of the work???”
A sudden silence fell over the forest. The Nasty Little Man could not believe that he had just said that. Was it because his dream of a new Audi Q8 was evaporating in front of his eyes? Or was it because a warty, fat frog was biting in his buttocks?
- “Rrribbit!”
The Evil Witch was stunned by so much arrogance. She pointed her finger also at him. The Nasty Little Man stiffened of fear. But yet his pride did not allow him to apologise for the foul thing he had just said. His pride also made him fail to notice that his legs started shrinking. More and more until his feet were touching his fat belly.
But to his great relief, the magic had drained all of the Evil Witch’s powers. Also she started shrinking and eventually she became Little Red Riding Hood again. Tired but very much relieved that it was over, she turned her back at the Nasty Even More Little Man and started walking away. In the mean time, the Nasty Even More Little Man had regained his confidence because the Evil Witch had gone and only a frail little girl remained. He started shouting at her. Albeit not with his usual grumbling voice. Together with his legs, his voice had shrunk as if it had been puffed up by an amount of helium sufficient to blow up three medium-sized blimps.
- “And what about my money? I want to see my money now! Hey!!! Don’t you dare walking away from me! When will you give me my money??? I also have to pay a twenty-percent comm… Auch!!! You stinking frog!!! Get off me!!!”
- “Rrribbit!!!”
- “Hey!!! Where are you going??? You’ll hear from me in September! Do you hear? You’ll hear from me in September!!!...”
The Nasty Even More Little Man’s voice faded in the mist that began to cover the trees. Little Red Riding Hood was glad that it was over. A smile returned to her face and the roses started growing on her cheeks again.
- “Yes… come back in September”, she laughed… “If you still dare…”
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