A false note

Here's a small example about how quickly I lose control and a situation can get out of hand. It's one of the small "details" through which others may perceive that something's "wrong" with me and which led to me becoming an outcast up to the point of being severly bullied for being "different".

Obviously I was terribly enthousiastic about the Star Camp. It all went so well and everyone was so kind... Also the reactions I received on the astronomy internet forum were so nice... And then it happened. One of the forum's moderators suddenly intervened and said that the thread on the Star Camp had only had the intention to talk about the "planning phase" of the event and that all comments about how it had gone were off-topic. Normally, forum members are requested to make their comments on the forum's management only through private messages. But I was so stunned by this intervention... I couldn't understand why someone wanted to "ruin" my topic while other, similar, topics were allowed to continue, that I lost control. Emotions started to rage throuh my head... my whole body started to shiver out of frustration and anger. So I openly questioned the intervention and argued that I had started the topic to talk about the event "in general" and that people were allowed to continue with their comments as far as I was concerned. My message was very polite, unlike some of the things I've already said and done in similar situations, but nevertheless it directly challenged the authority of the moderators. Afterwards the moderator acknowledged that his intervention had been a mistake but he warned that such public neglect of a moderator's intervention could not be tolerated, although he would turn a blind eye for now.

Do you know what this did to me? I haven't slept for two nights and yesterday morning I sat at the breakfast table weeping. It felt as if the whole world was against me. For two full days I couldn't think, couldn't almost do anything else, I was shattered. I sent very angry private messages to that moderator, style "I thought you were a friend", because I believed it all to be so terribly wrong. For such a stupid thing... When things calmed down a bit and I started clearing up the mess in my head, I sent another, very emotional message to that moderator and explained what's the matter with me. And if he hadn't been so many miles away he would have given me a good hug. :-)

These are those little things that makes being autistic so difficult. Everything has to be "just so" because otherwise my "perfect world" goes to pieces and I lose control. We, autistic people, need this "perfect world" so very much because the "normal" one makes us so terribly confused that we need something firm and stable in order to cling to. Take this stability away and we're gonners. How frustrating...